Who knew?

I did not start this blog for money or for fame like some do. I decided to open my heart and use this

This is me!!!

as an outlet for myself to hopefully relate to someone other than myself. No one focus, just raw honest truth. Allowing myself a platform to inspire others to do what makes them happy.

Writing has always been a way of expression for me, when I feel like I cant say what I feel I just write. Most don't know this, but I have always been afraid of judgement against me. A fear of people not excepting me for ME! Even though I seem like I have it all together and could care less what people think of me, I really and truly have always cared. That is something I am constantly working on. Writing is just one of many of my loves.

When I was younger I wanted to be only one thing (a teacher) because I thought that, that was all one could do... ONE thing!!! I mean who knew that people could juggle more than one love? I sure as heck didn't. That is until I graduated from high school and went through the loss of my first pregnancy. I was not sure if my loss had me confused about the career I wanted or if indeed there was no one particular job out there for me...

For a while after my loss, I battled with career paths. A few months after my miscarriage I found out that I was expecting again. While I was scared and nervous about being pregnant once again, I knew that I wanted a career. I needed a career, after all I was expecting a blessing. So, I started college. I was going to be a teacher. While in school I noticed that I was not that satisfied with the career choice that I had chose because honestly teachers are over worked and very much underpaid.... I decided that I was going to change my career because I was unhappy with my choice. I meet with my career counselor to help me set up courses that I needed to become a crime scene investigator. I started my classes only to find myself saying "girl you cant pass the physical portion of this job" so guess what I did???????

Yep, you guessed it... ON TO THE NEXT CAREER.... I made sure that this time I was not going to waste my time but get that education I wanted so that I could have the career I have always dreamed about. I met with my career counselor again and talked about some options for me.

Now by this time I had already had my first child and was now pregnant with my second. I not only wanted a career but, felt like I needed it more than ever. I went to school during the summer and did very well, but once I had my second daughter I decided to stay home and put my career on hold.

I loved being a mommy, but hated that I felt like a complete failure. While all my other friends were at college I was at home raising babies and letting my man take care of the household financially (ladies I felt like a complete and utter mess). That was until one day a great friend of mine that went to school to become a Medical Assistant told me all about it. I instantly was in love. Who knew that in less than a year I could have a job in the Medical field and still be a mom and a wife?

My friend went with me to check out a school and helped me to get on track to start my career. I signed up for school and let me tell you I did very well. I was a mentor in my class as well as a
4.0 student with perfect attendance and honor roll. It felt great to graduate at the top of my class, but that was short lived. I put my heart in my schooling but, all the jobs out there when I graduated were not what I had expected.

Still feeling unfulfilled in my career path, I chose to go back to school. I was so excited because now I was going to go and work hard to become a Physician Assistant. Yes, honey I was going to provide a better life for my wonderful family. Until, the school I lived by didn't offer any classes for my career of choice. I would have to drive well over an hour and a half just for school. I could not do that I had two little ones under the age of 3. Again, I felt unfulfilled and defeated.

So, here I am now a mother of 3 and wanting to go back to school. I thought hey one of my favorite things in this world is cooking. I can go to culinary arts school because honey she can cook. That is until my world stopped when I found out that my favorite school on this planet wants $40,000. That is not with interest honey.... I nearly passed out and while I really was considering it, I thought to myself.... "Now Kayleigh, is this smart of you to do? How are you going to be able to pay that off? Will you be able to find a great job in this field? Will you ever have financial freedom if you take loans out like that?" This all came to my mind. So I posted on Facebook to see if anyone could give me some true insight on this school. It seems as though I had no one in my corner to help with insight even though I know people that have attended here, but that is neither here nor there (get out of your feelings girl).

I decided that I was not going to go because I don't want to put myself or leave my family in debt because I want to go this school. Then all of a sudden a light bulb came on and I finally figured out why I had to go through all of these career changes.....

Because, none of these one jobs are for me on there own. I am a teacher to my children each and everyday. From the moment they wake to the moment the go to bed. Even then I am still a teacher, because I am correcting homework and looking over at their work from the day. I am a crime scene investigator when I tackle their room (Lord help me in there, LOL) trying to figure out what the hell happened. When they are sick and not feeling well I am their Medical Assistant (Nurse Mommy to the rescue). I nurse them back to health because that is what mommies do.... Last but not least, I am my own chef. Who said that I needed to go to culinary arts school to be a chef? No one. I am chef mommy.

The reason I wanted to write this today is because I feel like someone needs to hear this (well, technically read this). Your life is not over because you have had obstacles in your way. Look at it from all angles. I promise that it will all come together in the end.

She is growing!!!

Finally I have sometime to just sit down at my computer and put my thoughts in it. I have been so busy with Sariah starting school and adjusting to her not being her. It has been crazy, but I think that I got it all down packed now.

I cant believe how fast time has gone. My oldest is already in first grade and I so feel like I just had her. Her birthday is in less than two weeks and I don't know where the time has gone too. As I sit back and think about the moment I found out that I was pregnant with her, I remember being scared and nervous, while feeling joy and excitement. I was scared because 5 months prior I had just lost a baby. I didn't know if anything was going to happen during my pregnancy with her. Although I gained more than I would have liked to with her she was by far the easiest pregnancy.

August 25, 2014 was her first day of First grade, as we walked to school I felt those same feelings all over again (scared and nervous, while feeling joy and excitement). Weird, but so real. I look at her now and thank God for this little one. When I am not feeling well about myself (confidence) she always finds a way to let me know that she loves me and thinks that I am beautiful no matter what. How lucky am I?

My baby isn't a baby anymore, but she will always be "my baby". I am grateful for her attitude about life, school, friends and family. For only being 5 she is very smart. She notices everything around her (so i have to be careful with what i say because she totally gets it). It has its positive and negative sides to it. LOL!!!

Well She is now becoming a big girl totally not a little toddler girl. Who was I to think that she was going to stay a little innocent girl that is totally oblivious to life? Crazy. I have a smart, beautiful, talented princess on my hands.

I love you Sariah. You are already doing well in first grade. Mommy and daddy are very thankful that God decided to give you to us.

I love you for reading. Thanks again.

Evolving!

I notice a lot of people seem to wonder why I don't act the same or hang with the people I grew up with. The answer is "I am not that girl from middle school and high school that you remember". I have grown and don't have time for the petty BS. I see a lot of the people I went to high school still stuck in the same rut. I am not about that life, sorry. Wait, no I am not sorry that I got out and did what I had to do for my family.

I have grown and plan on continuing to grow even more. I see so much for my future and am so excited with where God is taking me. Although I love reconnecting with people from my past, don't get mad if I don't accept your friend request or want to "hang". I am not better than anyone, but I also have a purpose in life and back sliding into my old life is not for me.

That Kayleigh is gone and not coming back. We learn as we get older what we want out of life, friends and family. Trust if family does something horrible enough I wont hang with them either. I just want better for me and my family. There is nothing wrong with that.

One thing I see a lot is people being afraid to let go of the things that may hold them back in life. I cant do that. Being afraid is not an option for me. I still can remember being pregnant and thinking "wow my life is changing". Literally right before my eyes I was loosing friends. At first it hurt, but then I figured "they aren't apart of this chapter in my life".

I see it now as a blessing. I don't want to hang out in the hood and smoke weed all day. Scared that my kids might end up with a bullet in them because of who I hang with. Trust it happens all the time. So if you ever wonder why is Kayleigh changing, I'm not. I changed along time ago, and am now evolving into the women I am suppose to be.

If we stay the same its like we die. Never becoming anything better than what we are now, it should be a sin. I personally don't want to be where I am today in 10 years. Not that where I am is bad, but I have much more potential to become something greater and better.

Becoming a mother has made me become stronger not only physically, but mentally and emotionally. There really isn't anything that you can say or do to me that would break me. My kids have given me some really thick skin. I am grateful, because I use to lash out at anyone for anything. Now I am learning how to control myself.

A year ago if you said something to me that pissed me off you wouldn't want to stick around. I would have chewed you up and spit you out like you were dirt in my mouth. I realized that this wasn't good. My girls witnessed me go off one time because someone said something to them and all hell broke loose. I felt bad after because my girls asked me "mommy were you going to fight them"? That is something that I never want my girls to witness. I had to do some soul searching and figuring out how I could control my anger.

I had to figure out were it came from and learn how to keep it in the dark. Now when I get pissed off at something I try to just leave it alone. Its not worth being ignorant for, yes fighting as an adult is ignorant (in my book). I am glad I learned now before my girls caught on and started acting like that.

I am changed and proud of the women I have become. I'm even more excited to see where and who I will be in the next couple of years. I see the vision, now its time to be productive in at.