Who knew?

I did not start this blog for money or for fame like some do. I decided to open my heart and use this

This is me!!!

as an outlet for myself to hopefully relate to someone other than myself. No one focus, just raw honest truth. Allowing myself a platform to inspire others to do what makes them happy.

Writing has always been a way of expression for me, when I feel like I cant say what I feel I just write. Most don't know this, but I have always been afraid of judgement against me. A fear of people not excepting me for ME! Even though I seem like I have it all together and could care less what people think of me, I really and truly have always cared. That is something I am constantly working on. Writing is just one of many of my loves.

When I was younger I wanted to be only one thing (a teacher) because I thought that, that was all one could do... ONE thing!!! I mean who knew that people could juggle more than one love? I sure as heck didn't. That is until I graduated from high school and went through the loss of my first pregnancy. I was not sure if my loss had me confused about the career I wanted or if indeed there was no one particular job out there for me...

For a while after my loss, I battled with career paths. A few months after my miscarriage I found out that I was expecting again. While I was scared and nervous about being pregnant once again, I knew that I wanted a career. I needed a career, after all I was expecting a blessing. So, I started college. I was going to be a teacher. While in school I noticed that I was not that satisfied with the career choice that I had chose because honestly teachers are over worked and very much underpaid.... I decided that I was going to change my career because I was unhappy with my choice. I meet with my career counselor to help me set up courses that I needed to become a crime scene investigator. I started my classes only to find myself saying "girl you cant pass the physical portion of this job" so guess what I did???????

Yep, you guessed it... ON TO THE NEXT CAREER.... I made sure that this time I was not going to waste my time but get that education I wanted so that I could have the career I have always dreamed about. I met with my career counselor again and talked about some options for me.

Now by this time I had already had my first child and was now pregnant with my second. I not only wanted a career but, felt like I needed it more than ever. I went to school during the summer and did very well, but once I had my second daughter I decided to stay home and put my career on hold.

I loved being a mommy, but hated that I felt like a complete failure. While all my other friends were at college I was at home raising babies and letting my man take care of the household financially (ladies I felt like a complete and utter mess). That was until one day a great friend of mine that went to school to become a Medical Assistant told me all about it. I instantly was in love. Who knew that in less than a year I could have a job in the Medical field and still be a mom and a wife?

My friend went with me to check out a school and helped me to get on track to start my career. I signed up for school and let me tell you I did very well. I was a mentor in my class as well as a
4.0 student with perfect attendance and honor roll. It felt great to graduate at the top of my class, but that was short lived. I put my heart in my schooling but, all the jobs out there when I graduated were not what I had expected.

Still feeling unfulfilled in my career path, I chose to go back to school. I was so excited because now I was going to go and work hard to become a Physician Assistant. Yes, honey I was going to provide a better life for my wonderful family. Until, the school I lived by didn't offer any classes for my career of choice. I would have to drive well over an hour and a half just for school. I could not do that I had two little ones under the age of 3. Again, I felt unfulfilled and defeated.

So, here I am now a mother of 3 and wanting to go back to school. I thought hey one of my favorite things in this world is cooking. I can go to culinary arts school because honey she can cook. That is until my world stopped when I found out that my favorite school on this planet wants $40,000. That is not with interest honey.... I nearly passed out and while I really was considering it, I thought to myself.... "Now Kayleigh, is this smart of you to do? How are you going to be able to pay that off? Will you be able to find a great job in this field? Will you ever have financial freedom if you take loans out like that?" This all came to my mind. So I posted on Facebook to see if anyone could give me some true insight on this school. It seems as though I had no one in my corner to help with insight even though I know people that have attended here, but that is neither here nor there (get out of your feelings girl).

I decided that I was not going to go because I don't want to put myself or leave my family in debt because I want to go this school. Then all of a sudden a light bulb came on and I finally figured out why I had to go through all of these career changes.....

Because, none of these one jobs are for me on there own. I am a teacher to my children each and everyday. From the moment they wake to the moment the go to bed. Even then I am still a teacher, because I am correcting homework and looking over at their work from the day. I am a crime scene investigator when I tackle their room (Lord help me in there, LOL) trying to figure out what the hell happened. When they are sick and not feeling well I am their Medical Assistant (Nurse Mommy to the rescue). I nurse them back to health because that is what mommies do.... Last but not least, I am my own chef. Who said that I needed to go to culinary arts school to be a chef? No one. I am chef mommy.

The reason I wanted to write this today is because I feel like someone needs to hear this (well, technically read this). Your life is not over because you have had obstacles in your way. Look at it from all angles. I promise that it will all come together in the end.

"YOU ARE A MOTHER"!!!

From the moment you think "I might be", to the moment you find
out "I am" "You are a mother". Even if you never heard the heart beat "You are a mother". Just because you didn't get to feel their kick "You are a mother". Even though you never will get to take them home, "You are a mother". So what you had to give them up for adoption "You are a mother". If you didn't get the chance to watch them grow because they got their angel wings earlier than expected "You are a mother". Its okay you had to play mommy and daddy. "You are a mother".

"I am looking forward to seeing the kind of person my son will be. His little personality and his little smile. I am a mother".

"I hate the teenager years, the mood swings, the "mad"itudes for no apparent reason. I am a mother".

"They are my motivation to pull through in life. I am a mother".

"I hate that because I have spoiled them rotten that when I say I don't have it, they don't understand. I am a mother".

"I love the unconditional love that each kid gives to me. I am a mother".

"I hate that I cant protect them from the pain and hurt in the world. Having to let them make their own mistakes. I am a mother".

Regardless of your situation "you are a mother". Some say that if you don't
physically have the child you are not. I say other wise. I celebrate each and everyone of you today. "You are a mother".

"I love the thoughtful things my children do/say without being asked. I am a mother".

"I am not looking forward to the dark thoughts I know will come at night. That I am not able to be the mommy I want to be. I am a mother".

"I love that becoming a mother exposed me to the world of holistic health care. I am a mother".

"I hate mommy wars. I am a mother".

"I love the simple joy that my daughter finds in life, like bubbles and flowers. I am a mother".

"I hate the first trimester of pregnancy. All the sickness its awful. I am a mother".

In life we have obstacles. Some that are easy and some that we really have
to work hard to overcome. Becoming pregnant is one of those obstacles. For some there mere thought of a baby gets them pregnant. That isn't the case for everyone. Some may never get to experience the joys of motherhood through the womb., but by adoption. "You are a mother".

"I love the immediate indescribable love you feel for your kids. I feel it most at night while rocking mine to sleep. I am a mother".
"I hate that I cant ever give up. It is especially hard when I have so much going on in life and I cant deal. I am a mother".

"I love seeing my child apply something that I taught. I am a mother".

"I hate that my kids are old enough to make their own decision and I have to accept them, even though I know the are making a mistake. I am a mother".

"I love that when I am down and out and thinking negative thoughts about leaving this place, just thinking about my kids saves me. I am a mother".

"I am not looking forward to my post-partum body. I am a mother".

Being a parent is a different experience for everyone. Sometimes we get pregnant and we don't feel like it is our time to become a mother. We aren't ready. We think about "do I keep it, get rid of it, what am I going to do"? Adoption becomes an answered pray to some family. "You are a mother".

" I love seeing her every morning and every night just smile at me. I'm finally a real mommy, and it's such a great feeling. I am a mother".

"I hate that he is so far away and there is nothing I can do about it. I never regret my decision to place him for adoption, but sometimes I wish circumstances had been different when he was born so I could have him now. I miss him so much, and there will always be something missing in my heart, but I know I gave him the world. Had I kept him, he probably wouldn't be in my custody now. I am a mother".

"I love watching my son grow. Watching him reach milestones and seeing his personality shine through. I am a mother".

"I hate I feel like I failed my daughter, because I picked a man wouldn't be my husband or a father to her. I am a mother"."

"I am looking forward to breastfeeding. I know it is going to be difficult, but I want to bond/connect and look into her eyes. I am a mother".


"I hate people questioning my parenting especially when I didn't ask for an opinion. I am a mother".

Just because things didn't play out the way you wanted you haven't failed. Sometimes life gets in the way. We do things we aren't proud of, and make choices we soon regret. "You are a mother".

"I love that we will always be a family despite our situation. I am a mother".

"I hate the anxiety that comes with motherhood. I constantly doubt myself, am I doing everything right. I am a mother".

"I love spending time with my daughter, watching her grow and blossom into the young lady she is. I am a mother".

"I hate feeling alone with our kids even though I have a husband home. I am a mother".

"I love that I am able to witness her many talents. She bring joy and
happiness to my heart. I am a mother".

"I hate my pregnancies are so hard that I never get to enjoy them. I am a mother".

     Psalms 127:3 

Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward.

No matter how you were blessed with them, they are your gifts. Love them and cherish the moments you have together. It may get rough, you may lose sleep. But, their are women dying to have the opportunity to become a mother. Don't take it for granted.

No one may ever tell you this but only once a year, and to me that is not enough. We moms are under appreciated. From one mother to the next I will celebrate you and this wonderful thing we get to call motherhood. Lets make a difference in the world. Not judging each other but uplifting one another. I love you all and believe in you. No matter what circumstance you are in or have been in.
                                                             "YOU ARE A MOTHER"!!!

 

 

 

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How to keep the balance.

I asked for people to name topics that they wanted me to blog about for them to read. Long and behold most actually had the same concerns. Some expressed them on my "daily mom confessions" page and some in boxed me. Either way I automatically knew this is something I want to blog about.

We all handle things differently because we are not built the same. Physically, mentally and emotionally we all run on different levels. What may make me feel unequipped and get me sad and depressed might not even phase you. 

They only way I was able to keep a balance is because I battled with what one would call PPD "postpartum depression". I had a very bad case of it. Now I wasn't affected by this after Sariah, but with Kamille. It knocked me straight on my ass. Everything in me was fighting it, but nothing worked. I didn't know what to do. I ended up in the hospital so many times because I literally thought " I am dying, today is the day. I feel it". PPD is that bad. It causes you to have panic attacks and very bad anxiety. It isn't a joke at all.

Finally I took myself to Mental Health (yes I left by pride at home). They sent me to a psychologist because they said "you don't belong here, your not crazy". Well I sure felt crazy as hell. I started seeing a psychologist but noticed this is not going to work either. He was weird as ever wanting to talk about when I was a baby. Like I remembered that. LOL.

I was so lost and had no one that I could talk to about it. I've learned that a lot of people are afraid to be themselves and be open. I am not. You ask me something and I usually am an open book. What I went through I believe is to help someone else.

I went to my primary care physician and expressed my concerns about what was going on. She recommended Medication. At this point I was willing to try anything to get better. I had two kids depending on me. The first medication she started me on made things worse. I felt like the walls were caving in on me. Yes it is that bad.

Finally we found a medication that actually worked for me. The only problem was now I was sleepy all the time and hating life. I had to figure out what I could do. I decided that I needed to find an outlet to help me.

I knew that I didn't want to be on the medication anymore. I stayed away from excess amounts of coffee, made sure to keep the house bright. Get out of the house and do stuff with the girls. I learned what worked for me. I stopped taking the medication. Now I use to keep it on me just in case, but thank God I never needed it again.


If I felt like I was about to have an attack, I would suck on a hard piece of candy, and it worked.

This is how I learned how to keep the balance.

I was always to fixated on what the girls needed that I forgot about myself. You cant do that it will only make your life miserable. Just because you become a mother doesn't mean that you die. If anything it just starts a new chapter in your book. I mean that's what we are doing here, writing our book. Our stories aren't the same ever because then the book would be boring and not unique.

When the girls take a nap, I get some "Me time in". I watch my shows, surf the web, catch up on YouTube. Things that make me happy. That make me "ME".  I noticed that when I would work I never bought myself anything. I literally got paid and took the girls out shopping. This is a good thing to a certain extent. You have to treat yourself to something. Now don't get me wrong please provide for you children, but if they don't need anything and you do, make sure to choose you this time.

It is hard, I know. I love my kids with all that is in me, but mommy has needs too. Once you stop doing for you, you've already messed with the balance. It can and will have a negative affect on you. My girls know mommy needs space and they try to help I can tell., but remember they are kids don't expect too much. This is were the saying "it takes a village to raise kids" comes in.

Never be afraid to ask for help. If you have great friends and you are loosing it, ask. If you aren't a single parent tell your husband or boyfriend what's going on. Don't bottle it up and keep it in. It isn't healthy at all. No one is going to judge you, and if they do, they aren't any good for you.

Another great way to stay balanced is find other moms with kids around your kids ages. Schedule weekly play dates and let the kids be. While they are playing you and the kids mom can have some adult time. Trust me talking to kids all day, this will do you some good. I love hanging with other moms because they get you and understand certain frustrations.

Find your outlet. It can be writing (which is my favorite), singing, dancing, reading. Anything that allows you to just openly breath and get back to "YOU". You aren't dead, you are very much alive. Becoming a mother is the best thing in this world and also the hardest., but it isn't rocket science.

In staying balanced we are all going to have our own ways. Remember are make ups are different. No two people are the same. Not even twins. I promise you it only gets easier as time progresses and you learn more about yourself and kids.

I hope this helped someone, anyone. I am always here to help talk if need be. Who am I to judge?

Graduation, A loss and a new beginning.

 "Yeah, we did it". Here comes the class of 2007 is all that I could think as I was sitting in the chair getting ready. As I walked across the stage to get my diploma (the fake one they give you) I held back the tears from my fellow companions. My heart was beating at a million miles an hour. I honestly was nervous to be in front of everyone. Go figure I went to a performing arts school for acting. Something about that day in particular was just so special to me. It was exciting.

 

A week later after graduation I noticed some changes in me. I was very fatigued and had very bad cramps, none like I have ever had before. Now, I was only 18 at the time so as you can probably imagine I was scared to take a pregnancy test. My body was letting me know that I was before I even peed on the stick. 6 test later I believed it. I WAS PREGNANT!!! 

 

I was overly excited I just couldn't keep it in, I had to tell everyone. I was about to become a mother. Or so I thought. I had just graduated from high school, and now I was pregnant. I can remember the day very vividly. I went to the park and had to go to the restroom so bad, but the park didn't have a restroom. We left and went to the nearest store. Oh, how I was relieved that I had made it, to only find that I was bleeding. My heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest.  We hurried to the nearest hospital only to be told you have to wait in the waiting room, if you are losing the baby there is nothing that we can do for you.

 

I was so heartbroken. How can they have no heart? It didn't get any better. After spending all evening and late night in the hospital and countless ultrasounds they told me everything would be alright they saw the sack of the baby. If I saw more blood to come back. The night had past and the morning had come. I still was bleeding.  Back to the hospital I went. Only to be told the same thing again. I had to wait.

 

I prayed and prayed that everything was going to be alright with my baby that I had just found out I was going to be a mother too. A few hours later the doctor came in to let me know that the baby sack had diminished and was no longer there. My world had stopped. How was this going to affect me and my love? What would I tell everyone that I told? I was so confused as to why this happened to me.

 

I went on trying to keep it together for the sake of those around me. Dying inside everyday. The holidays had came and went and I was dreading the month of  February because that was the month my baby would have been due. It was the end of December and I had just came back from San Francisco. A well needed vacation with my cousin and his best friend. During vacation my cousin was joking about me being pregnant because I was tired and was late.

 

As soon as I got home I went straight to the store and grabbed a handful of pregnancy tests. I came home scared but also excited to take them. I took 1 and waited 5 minutes and sure enough there was two line. I took another and the same thing. After 5 tests I believed it... LOL. I was going to be a mother. This time I waited till 13 weeks before I told anyone.

 

The months flew by and before I knew it was almost time to meet my baby girl... Even after such a sad previous year, my life was starting to feel somewhat more meaningful. Having another baby never replaced the love that I had for that baby that I lost. I didn't know it before but miscarriage is very common. 1 in 3 women will have one. Think about it your sister, your friend and yourself. One would lose a baby. Not to say it would happen to you, but an example.

 

It was one of the hardest moments in my life but GOD, and my family got me through. Not a day goes past that I don't think about who that baby might have been today or who he/she would be in the near future. That's something that you just don't forget. I will always have a special place in my heart for that baby. RIP my angel. 06/2007

 

September 08, 2008 would change my life forever. The arrival of my first baby, My daughter Sariah Lanay Thomas... A new beginning in my life. It was just the start of motherhood. God would soon bless me with two more there after... December 03, 2009 Kamille Mallory Thomas and just recently March 22, 2014 Logan Richard-Hart Thomas... My family is complete.