Frustrations

So now that I am settled here in Vegas, I am ready to get back in the swing of things and go back to school. The only problem that I am now having is that the colleges out here are over populated. Seriously? This has to be one of the hardest places to go to school. They have more than one campus but the one that I need has no testing openings. I am so mad right now. What can I do though?

I feel like every time I try to take a step forward for myself, I get pushed back 20 steps behind. Now this may not seem like a big deal to some, but furthering my education is very important to me. Yes I could always go to another trade school and do something else I love., but why put my "REAL" dream on hold?

Is anyone out there listening to me? Do you understand where I am coming from, or am I all alone in this? Going back to school has always been my dream, I just had to defer it for a while because I needed to put my babies first. Yes I know little man is only going to be 4 months and he is still small, but I need to get things in order so that when he turns 6 months mommy can get her life....

Its been along time coming and I am ready to go back and get my career started. I could sit here and cry because I cant get an appointment, or I can put on my big girl panties and keep fighting for my dream. When one door closes isn't another suppose to open up? I am waiting and praying for this.

I believe that it is my time to finally fulfill "ME"!!! I have the support of my husband, and the motivation from my kids. College here I come, again.

I wont let this bump in the road stop me. I will continue to be persistent even if it means trying to get a walk in and being told "its to full". I got this. College is a weapon we need to succeed in life. It is the true key to success and I can feel it at the tip of my fingers. Lets do this.

"BOOM"!!!

Have you ever wondered "where would I be if I didn't have my kids"? I know it is something that

always ran across my mind. Growing up and hanging out with the wrong type of people always had me second guessing everything that ever happened to me. I never knew if the decisions that I was making were the right ones. I still can vividly remember one night hanging out with some friends. I was so stupid to have got in the car because the driver was going off crazy because he had been drinking, but I didn't want to be left alone. So I got in and we drove maybe 10 minutes away  (which is far when the driver is irate and drunk). He wanted to shoot someone. I for the life of me don't know why, but the fact I was there had me terrified. When we got to are location we all exited the car. My friends were telling the driver put your gun away. You aren't going to shoot anyone. Just put it on safety and lets go.  At first he was against putting the gun away trying to pick a fight with the people around the neighborhood. Now if your from the East side of Long Beach you know fighting and guns are the norm. Sad but true.

At this point we are about to walk in an apartment complex so they told him again "put the gun on safety". As he pulled the gun out all we heard was "BOOM", next thing I knew my forehead was bleeding and I didn't know why. I knew hadn't been shot, but still I didn't understand why I had blood dripping down my face. When we got in the apartment, my ears were still ringing, almost deafening. I had a cut from the bullets shell, it literally ricocheted off of my forehead. It was scary but thank the Lord above it wasn't the bullet. Still doesn't make it any better though. That was the moment I woke up and realized this is not the life for me.

Only a short year later did I find out that I was pregnant with my first (my Angel in heaven). I was young but still I felt like maybe now my life would have purpose. I was excited to be becoming a  mother. Just as soon as I found out I felt like it had been ripped from me. The hardest thing to experience. I went on working and still spending quality time with my honey. I knew he was the man that I wanted to marry. Some may think "you were too young to know what you wanted", but child let me tell, "when you know you know".

5 months later I learned that God had given me another chance to be a mom. I was pregnant with Sariah. I cant lie and say that I was 100% excited because I was scared to death the whole time even up till the day of delivery. I had heard so  many stories about people giving birth and the baby dies. I was horrified. Sep. 08, 2008 was the best day I had ever had. Even though I was in labor for 40 hours I still was excited. It wasn't till a few days later that I would understand the true meaning of being a parent.

Sariah had to go to the hospital for her jaundice and because she was gagging so much when she would sleep. My baby ended up being in the hospital for a week straight, and I never once left her side. That is what being a parent is about. Giving up the things you want for someone else. Protecting and providing that little being with everything in you. I finally knew what I was meant to do. Be some ones mother. I finally felt like my life was complete. I didn't know that only 5 months later I would be pregnant with Kamille. Double the blessing. It was hard I cant lie, but oh so rewarding. Kamille ended up in the hospital as well for jaundice. I didn't leave her side either, even though I had Sariah at home I had to be there with the newborn. Luckily she was only there for 2 days.

I went to school while pregnant with both, but decided that I was going to stay home and put off my dreams for a while. My kids came first before anything and anyone. I can always go back to school was my thought. If anything they would be my motivation to get an education. Kids don't hold you back they push you forward. In 2011 I decided that I would go back to school so I can get my foot in the door in the medical field. I went to UEI for Medical Assistant. I told myself that if I was going to go back to school and put my girls in a daycare, I would succeed with a 4.0 GPA and I would become the mentor of my class. I believe because I had my kids that is why I was able to achieve it all. I became the mentor of the class along with a really good friend, and I graduated with a 4.0 GPA.

My life had meaning now, and I was complete because of my children. It felt good. I didn't know but in 2014 God would give me one more, my last little Logan. When I say that my life has come full circle it really has. I could have ended up with a man that would cheat, beat my ass or even be in jail. Hell or 6 feet under. I thank the Lord for my kids because they allowed me to become a better person. Now when I sacrifice the things I want I know its for a good reason. I don't just have a baby daddy, I have a husband. I don't just have my kids every other weekend. I have them everyday. This is why we decided to move and get away from the area we grew up in. Long Beach will always be the place we grew up, but it isn't home. Home is

where my kids are.

"BOOM" was my wake up call!!!

Confessions of a school crazy mama

Well summer is almost over and that time of year is about to be here. Time for school to start. Even if your child has been in school before here are a few key tips for getting ready.

1. Get a full supply list for your child's school.
2. Find out if the school is uniform or free dress.
3. Check to see if the school has a policy about the snacks your child brings.
4. Know what size clothes and shoes your child wears.
5. Make your list

I believe that these 5 things will help you tremendously with getting ready for the school year. Trust me, I spent way too much at the beginning of the school year because honestly I just didn't know. So lets go in a dissect why each point is important.

School clothes at the beginning
of kindergarten 2013.

Now for me number 2 is what really makes a difference. Sariah went to two different schools last year. The one that she started at didn't have a policy in dress attire. It was openly free dress. I hated it. I found that I was spending way to much on clothes that were just going to potentially become ruined. Although they look cute and what not it still isn't worth the amount of money going in. It is school and they are going to paint, play and get messy. Now once I took her out of that school due to lack of education I put her in a Prep. academy school that had a strict dress code policy. Uniform was a must. I found that I spent less money on her clothes and she still looked cute. I wasn't worried about her coming home and having a stain, because most her clothes were dark and the stains weren't that visible. Also must of the uniforms I found to grow with the child. The all have elastic pull strings on the inside. Love it.



Only purchase what they need for home
through out the year the teacher
will ask for what they need.

I am not sure about your child's school, but I do know that the two schools Sariah went to they give you a list full of items the child has to bring. This is where I have an issue. Granted I do understand that not all parents have money, I get it. What I don't understand is why I spent way over $70 dollars in supplies for my child's class and she never once came home with homework on the colored paper, the white paper or any paper for that fact. I was very taken aback that on the first day they ask the
parents to bring in the supplies and maybe 1/3 actually do. I will go on record saying this now " I will not do this again". I did it for both schools and although her academy did use the paper and sent her home with homework I truly felt used because I was so willing to spend my money on the classroom. Keep one thing in mind the supplies that you bring are not for your child alone. It is to supply the whole class because schools are not wanting to give the teachers anything like when you and I went to school.
I put number 3 on there because Sariah didn't allow certain things to be brought. One that I saw a lot

I like to organize the snacks
so that she can choose what
she wants to take.

was hot Cheetos being taken from the children and thrown into the trash. That child would go home with a note telling the parents to please not send them to school with those. Not every school cares, because at her first school every kids brought them. I sent Sariah to school with a variety of snacks so that she could make the decision on what to eat. One day she came home and told me a teacher took her string cheese from her and put it into the trash. I am sure you all are thinking what the hell. Right, so as you can imagine I was furious. What is wrong with string cheese? I went to the school and asked for a list, that was not one of the items that weren't allowed. The teacher was just being overly strict and rude. It is nice to know that the school cares about what is going into our kids body, but it is not okay for teachers to make up there own rules. With that said make sure you know what they can and cant have so you don't waste your money on thing that are going to be asked to put into the trash.

Sariah's first day of school 2013.

Number 4 is very simple, If your child is currently in a size 6 and he/she is just fitting it perfect, don't buy all size 6. Be smart it is money that you worked for don't throw it away. I would recommend only buying maybe 2 pants in the current size and the next size up there after. Depending on how you like to do your school clothes shopping it is going to be up to you. I like to buy for the whole first part of school. So for example, Sariah will be starting school in Aug. I will buy her clothes for Aug till Dec. When winter break is over I will buy her a whole new set. Now her shoes I buy all through the year. My baby has big feet and they keep growing. Also she is rough at school on her shoes. I don't spend a whole lot of money on her shoes because I know they play and I don't want to be mad that I spent $80 on some shoes that she can only wear for so long. Now if you don't mind and you got it like that, honey boo do you... LOL
Well we have made it to the end, number 5. Simple, make your list for the items you see fit to buy. Stick to it, if it isn't on the list your probably don't need it. Saving money and saving time is something I know that I have to do. I cant go all willy nilly in target because everything is cute, or I think she may need it. I need a strict list so I don't get side tracked. Oh yeah and something that might be a bit of a tip, leave your children at home if possible with daddy. They see everything and want it all but they don't need it...

I hope this helped you out. For more tips leave your comments, add me and ill see you tomorrow...

Stands for something...

Waking up in the morning is something that we all pray for as we lay our heads down to bed at night. Never expecting anything more than that. We know that tomorrow is never promised, all we have is the "right now", but we still never expect that moment. As I look at my sons face all I can do is thank God for him. We had such a tragic few months before finding out that we were pregnant with this little blessing. We lost two amazing people in our family. One on my side and one on my husbands side.

My message to Richard: Although growing up I thought you were an ass because you seemed to always be angry at the world, you yelled at me, punished me with a toothbrush to wash walls (because I stole money from you and tried to hide it) you meant well. Now that I am a mother I can understand why you did the things that you did. You were only trying to help prepare us for the day we became parents. I am so grateful for that. We had not been air tight, but you were still someone I loved, admired and cared deeply for. I looked up to you. The meaning of what a true man is, a husband, father, son, brother, uncle, nephew, cousin. The list can go on. You were amazing. I am so glad that Sabreena helped me and my mom be able to go to the river, what would be our last summer with you. It is a moment that I will always cherish as will my girls. They loved you and even though I never said it to you, " I loved you too". You stood for what you believed in. You went back to school later in life to fulfill your dreams. You excelled. The day you graduated was a day to always
remember, thank you for having me. No matter what obstacles got in your way, you figured out how to make it to the finish line. With honors at that. You stood for something...

We moved into our new place a few months later and learned that Shawn's granny had passed away. We knew that she had entered the hospital a few weeks earlier and wasn't doing to well. We got to visit her and Shawn got to spend time with her, not believing that it would be his last time. A week later after the funeral we were at home. I could feel that something was different, I wasn't 100% sure, but I knew. I went to Wal-Mart, came home went to the bathroom took a few deep breaths, and waited.... I didn't have to wait long, before I saw... PREGNANT. The test said 5 min before any results, I didn't even wait 30 sec. My head was spinning. I already had a 4 and 3 years old. There was no way.

I was scared as hell to tell my hubby at first because I didn't know how he was going to react. I couldn't keep it from him, so here goes nothing I thought. I went out to the garage and showed him... I don't know if he was happy, sad or mad... It might have been shock. Another baby. After all that our families had just gone through this was a gift from God. There is a saying that when someone gets their wings, God will give back another. I believed that to be true. My original due date happened to be March 30, 2014. Richards birthday.

The months went by and it was time to get ready for my sons birth. I was being induced on March 22, 2014. As I kissed my girls bye and told them "Mommy loves you, and grandma will be back later to bring you to the hospital to see your baby brother", I was nervous, anxious, and excited all in one. I was hungry too, but that's another story. I couldn't help but wonder about the name we had chose. Up until the moment he was born I still hadn't decided if I was going to choose that name we picked from the beginning. I knew his first name and last name, but the middle meant so much to me. I had felt hurt, betrayed and a disconnect with people I loved because of what they thought was my sons name. It had to stand for something...

5:36 pm on March 22,2014 my son entered into this world, a cruel and evil world., but in my arms he was in the safest of places. As I looked at him nothing even mattered. I was blessed and I wanted this moment for just my husband, my mom and myself. I didn't want to share it with anyone other than them because they always support me, and don't judge my actions or choices (not out loud anyways). As my mom left to pick up my girls and my kids God mom, Shawn went to get my food ( I was starving). I spent an hour with him at my breast and was amazed. "I had a son". When I stared at him I  knew no matter what anyone had to say his name would be Logan Richard-Hart Thomas.

A name that stood for something.
Logan: Generally a man of great character, possessed of a fabulous sexual magnetism. Courageous, your quintessential knight-in-shining armor type.
Richard:Tall, almost towering, large features, arms, legs. Beautiful heart. Kind. Although he is able to communicate well, he feels much more deeply than he speaks. Only those that are close to him will ever really know him.  A strong, powerful force, a positive energy, other men are always questioning, "what's so great about Richard?". Spiritual leader.
Hart: the rope, strong
Thomas: its by name means "twin"

I chose this name because to me it meant strong, powerful and roped all the heartache our families went through together. Some may still question why? Its not for them to understand, and am sorry if anyone was hurt or is hurt by my choice to name my son what I did. I love his name and stand firmly behind my choice. Welcome to the world my beautiful boy. May you always follow you heart and
reach for the stars. We love you and are truly blessed to have been given another blessing. My girls

and my son... We are complete. " If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything". (side note) A quote that can be heavily disputed as too who first said it. So I wont write any names... You can do your own research. LOL!

Graduation, A loss and a new beginning.

 "Yeah, we did it". Here comes the class of 2007 is all that I could think as I was sitting in the chair getting ready. As I walked across the stage to get my diploma (the fake one they give you) I held back the tears from my fellow companions. My heart was beating at a million miles an hour. I honestly was nervous to be in front of everyone. Go figure I went to a performing arts school for acting. Something about that day in particular was just so special to me. It was exciting.

 

A week later after graduation I noticed some changes in me. I was very fatigued and had very bad cramps, none like I have ever had before. Now, I was only 18 at the time so as you can probably imagine I was scared to take a pregnancy test. My body was letting me know that I was before I even peed on the stick. 6 test later I believed it. I WAS PREGNANT!!! 

 

I was overly excited I just couldn't keep it in, I had to tell everyone. I was about to become a mother. Or so I thought. I had just graduated from high school, and now I was pregnant. I can remember the day very vividly. I went to the park and had to go to the restroom so bad, but the park didn't have a restroom. We left and went to the nearest store. Oh, how I was relieved that I had made it, to only find that I was bleeding. My heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest.  We hurried to the nearest hospital only to be told you have to wait in the waiting room, if you are losing the baby there is nothing that we can do for you.

 

I was so heartbroken. How can they have no heart? It didn't get any better. After spending all evening and late night in the hospital and countless ultrasounds they told me everything would be alright they saw the sack of the baby. If I saw more blood to come back. The night had past and the morning had come. I still was bleeding.  Back to the hospital I went. Only to be told the same thing again. I had to wait.

 

I prayed and prayed that everything was going to be alright with my baby that I had just found out I was going to be a mother too. A few hours later the doctor came in to let me know that the baby sack had diminished and was no longer there. My world had stopped. How was this going to affect me and my love? What would I tell everyone that I told? I was so confused as to why this happened to me.

 

I went on trying to keep it together for the sake of those around me. Dying inside everyday. The holidays had came and went and I was dreading the month of  February because that was the month my baby would have been due. It was the end of December and I had just came back from San Francisco. A well needed vacation with my cousin and his best friend. During vacation my cousin was joking about me being pregnant because I was tired and was late.

 

As soon as I got home I went straight to the store and grabbed a handful of pregnancy tests. I came home scared but also excited to take them. I took 1 and waited 5 minutes and sure enough there was two line. I took another and the same thing. After 5 tests I believed it... LOL. I was going to be a mother. This time I waited till 13 weeks before I told anyone.

 

The months flew by and before I knew it was almost time to meet my baby girl... Even after such a sad previous year, my life was starting to feel somewhat more meaningful. Having another baby never replaced the love that I had for that baby that I lost. I didn't know it before but miscarriage is very common. 1 in 3 women will have one. Think about it your sister, your friend and yourself. One would lose a baby. Not to say it would happen to you, but an example.

 

It was one of the hardest moments in my life but GOD, and my family got me through. Not a day goes past that I don't think about who that baby might have been today or who he/she would be in the near future. That's something that you just don't forget. I will always have a special place in my heart for that baby. RIP my angel. 06/2007

 

September 08, 2008 would change my life forever. The arrival of my first baby, My daughter Sariah Lanay Thomas... A new beginning in my life. It was just the start of motherhood. God would soon bless me with two more there after... December 03, 2009 Kamille Mallory Thomas and just recently March 22, 2014 Logan Richard-Hart Thomas... My family is complete.