Not our season!

I never thought that having kids meant loosing friends, till I had my own. In the movies they make it

seem like not much changes when you get pregnant. Your friends are there for you when you need them. Not in my case.

When I found out that I was pregnant with Sariah I didn't expect to lose the friends that I had been friends with for what seemed like forever. It wasn't until around 3 months that I really noticed (now don't get me wrong, a few did stay, the real ones)., but most of them fled like it was a disease. To this day I still don't understand why. I asked and answers were so ridiculous I could not come to grips with the excuses if you ask me. Some of the reasons: "I wanted to party and you couldn't", or "you were starting a family and I was going to be left out".

First things first I am not one to kick someone to the curb because I am having a baby. The only reason that I would, is if you were a bad influence (drugs, prostitution, stripping). Friends aren't something that you just throw away at your disposal.

This is when I really began to understand what the saying " Some friends are for a lifetime, but some are only for a season". I didn't want to believe this, but it is true. We aren't meant to keep the seasonal friends for life. I now know this. I didn't lose them because I had a baby, it just wasn't our season any longer. Now I am not sure if they come back for another season or not, because I am not willing to get hurt again. Or allow my children to meet someone and they are around for a sort while and then they up and leave.

Me becoming a mother has taught me a lot about myself and showed me that the friends I need are the ones willing to stick it out even if I cant go to the club. So what you can go to the club with the other women who don't have kids (or in todays time the ones that don't take care of their kids, their mom or dads do it for them). Hey I call it like I see it.

Now don't take it out of context people. You don't have to loose yourself and stop having fun. I on the other hand am not about to spend my money to get my nails, toes, hair done and a bomb outfit to sit in the dark and be around a bunch of sweaty nasty young people acting crazy. I can do that at home on YouTube for free, okay!

If you are reading this and you don't have kids, but your friends do. Don't leave them because you think that their life is going to change so much that they would kick you to the curb. Talk to them and explain how you feel, because trust me when I say " if you decide to leave and become MIA don't come back"!!!

Seasons come and seasons go. So do friendships. It is something that is hard but when those friends leave God will give you the true friends that you need. To last a lifetime. My kids didn't scare them away. It was just them being selfish, and that is okay. It just isn't our season anymore!!!

"BOOM"!!!

Have you ever wondered "where would I be if I didn't have my kids"? I know it is something that

always ran across my mind. Growing up and hanging out with the wrong type of people always had me second guessing everything that ever happened to me. I never knew if the decisions that I was making were the right ones. I still can vividly remember one night hanging out with some friends. I was so stupid to have got in the car because the driver was going off crazy because he had been drinking, but I didn't want to be left alone. So I got in and we drove maybe 10 minutes away  (which is far when the driver is irate and drunk). He wanted to shoot someone. I for the life of me don't know why, but the fact I was there had me terrified. When we got to are location we all exited the car. My friends were telling the driver put your gun away. You aren't going to shoot anyone. Just put it on safety and lets go.  At first he was against putting the gun away trying to pick a fight with the people around the neighborhood. Now if your from the East side of Long Beach you know fighting and guns are the norm. Sad but true.

At this point we are about to walk in an apartment complex so they told him again "put the gun on safety". As he pulled the gun out all we heard was "BOOM", next thing I knew my forehead was bleeding and I didn't know why. I knew hadn't been shot, but still I didn't understand why I had blood dripping down my face. When we got in the apartment, my ears were still ringing, almost deafening. I had a cut from the bullets shell, it literally ricocheted off of my forehead. It was scary but thank the Lord above it wasn't the bullet. Still doesn't make it any better though. That was the moment I woke up and realized this is not the life for me.

Only a short year later did I find out that I was pregnant with my first (my Angel in heaven). I was young but still I felt like maybe now my life would have purpose. I was excited to be becoming a  mother. Just as soon as I found out I felt like it had been ripped from me. The hardest thing to experience. I went on working and still spending quality time with my honey. I knew he was the man that I wanted to marry. Some may think "you were too young to know what you wanted", but child let me tell, "when you know you know".

5 months later I learned that God had given me another chance to be a mom. I was pregnant with Sariah. I cant lie and say that I was 100% excited because I was scared to death the whole time even up till the day of delivery. I had heard so  many stories about people giving birth and the baby dies. I was horrified. Sep. 08, 2008 was the best day I had ever had. Even though I was in labor for 40 hours I still was excited. It wasn't till a few days later that I would understand the true meaning of being a parent.

Sariah had to go to the hospital for her jaundice and because she was gagging so much when she would sleep. My baby ended up being in the hospital for a week straight, and I never once left her side. That is what being a parent is about. Giving up the things you want for someone else. Protecting and providing that little being with everything in you. I finally knew what I was meant to do. Be some ones mother. I finally felt like my life was complete. I didn't know that only 5 months later I would be pregnant with Kamille. Double the blessing. It was hard I cant lie, but oh so rewarding. Kamille ended up in the hospital as well for jaundice. I didn't leave her side either, even though I had Sariah at home I had to be there with the newborn. Luckily she was only there for 2 days.

I went to school while pregnant with both, but decided that I was going to stay home and put off my dreams for a while. My kids came first before anything and anyone. I can always go back to school was my thought. If anything they would be my motivation to get an education. Kids don't hold you back they push you forward. In 2011 I decided that I would go back to school so I can get my foot in the door in the medical field. I went to UEI for Medical Assistant. I told myself that if I was going to go back to school and put my girls in a daycare, I would succeed with a 4.0 GPA and I would become the mentor of my class. I believe because I had my kids that is why I was able to achieve it all. I became the mentor of the class along with a really good friend, and I graduated with a 4.0 GPA.

My life had meaning now, and I was complete because of my children. It felt good. I didn't know but in 2014 God would give me one more, my last little Logan. When I say that my life has come full circle it really has. I could have ended up with a man that would cheat, beat my ass or even be in jail. Hell or 6 feet under. I thank the Lord for my kids because they allowed me to become a better person. Now when I sacrifice the things I want I know its for a good reason. I don't just have a baby daddy, I have a husband. I don't just have my kids every other weekend. I have them everyday. This is why we decided to move and get away from the area we grew up in. Long Beach will always be the place we grew up, but it isn't home. Home is

where my kids are.

"BOOM" was my wake up call!!!

Stands for something...

Waking up in the morning is something that we all pray for as we lay our heads down to bed at night. Never expecting anything more than that. We know that tomorrow is never promised, all we have is the "right now", but we still never expect that moment. As I look at my sons face all I can do is thank God for him. We had such a tragic few months before finding out that we were pregnant with this little blessing. We lost two amazing people in our family. One on my side and one on my husbands side.

My message to Richard: Although growing up I thought you were an ass because you seemed to always be angry at the world, you yelled at me, punished me with a toothbrush to wash walls (because I stole money from you and tried to hide it) you meant well. Now that I am a mother I can understand why you did the things that you did. You were only trying to help prepare us for the day we became parents. I am so grateful for that. We had not been air tight, but you were still someone I loved, admired and cared deeply for. I looked up to you. The meaning of what a true man is, a husband, father, son, brother, uncle, nephew, cousin. The list can go on. You were amazing. I am so glad that Sabreena helped me and my mom be able to go to the river, what would be our last summer with you. It is a moment that I will always cherish as will my girls. They loved you and even though I never said it to you, " I loved you too". You stood for what you believed in. You went back to school later in life to fulfill your dreams. You excelled. The day you graduated was a day to always
remember, thank you for having me. No matter what obstacles got in your way, you figured out how to make it to the finish line. With honors at that. You stood for something...

We moved into our new place a few months later and learned that Shawn's granny had passed away. We knew that she had entered the hospital a few weeks earlier and wasn't doing to well. We got to visit her and Shawn got to spend time with her, not believing that it would be his last time. A week later after the funeral we were at home. I could feel that something was different, I wasn't 100% sure, but I knew. I went to Wal-Mart, came home went to the bathroom took a few deep breaths, and waited.... I didn't have to wait long, before I saw... PREGNANT. The test said 5 min before any results, I didn't even wait 30 sec. My head was spinning. I already had a 4 and 3 years old. There was no way.

I was scared as hell to tell my hubby at first because I didn't know how he was going to react. I couldn't keep it from him, so here goes nothing I thought. I went out to the garage and showed him... I don't know if he was happy, sad or mad... It might have been shock. Another baby. After all that our families had just gone through this was a gift from God. There is a saying that when someone gets their wings, God will give back another. I believed that to be true. My original due date happened to be March 30, 2014. Richards birthday.

The months went by and it was time to get ready for my sons birth. I was being induced on March 22, 2014. As I kissed my girls bye and told them "Mommy loves you, and grandma will be back later to bring you to the hospital to see your baby brother", I was nervous, anxious, and excited all in one. I was hungry too, but that's another story. I couldn't help but wonder about the name we had chose. Up until the moment he was born I still hadn't decided if I was going to choose that name we picked from the beginning. I knew his first name and last name, but the middle meant so much to me. I had felt hurt, betrayed and a disconnect with people I loved because of what they thought was my sons name. It had to stand for something...

5:36 pm on March 22,2014 my son entered into this world, a cruel and evil world., but in my arms he was in the safest of places. As I looked at him nothing even mattered. I was blessed and I wanted this moment for just my husband, my mom and myself. I didn't want to share it with anyone other than them because they always support me, and don't judge my actions or choices (not out loud anyways). As my mom left to pick up my girls and my kids God mom, Shawn went to get my food ( I was starving). I spent an hour with him at my breast and was amazed. "I had a son". When I stared at him I  knew no matter what anyone had to say his name would be Logan Richard-Hart Thomas.

A name that stood for something.
Logan: Generally a man of great character, possessed of a fabulous sexual magnetism. Courageous, your quintessential knight-in-shining armor type.
Richard:Tall, almost towering, large features, arms, legs. Beautiful heart. Kind. Although he is able to communicate well, he feels much more deeply than he speaks. Only those that are close to him will ever really know him.  A strong, powerful force, a positive energy, other men are always questioning, "what's so great about Richard?". Spiritual leader.
Hart: the rope, strong
Thomas: its by name means "twin"

I chose this name because to me it meant strong, powerful and roped all the heartache our families went through together. Some may still question why? Its not for them to understand, and am sorry if anyone was hurt or is hurt by my choice to name my son what I did. I love his name and stand firmly behind my choice. Welcome to the world my beautiful boy. May you always follow you heart and
reach for the stars. We love you and are truly blessed to have been given another blessing. My girls

and my son... We are complete. " If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything". (side note) A quote that can be heavily disputed as too who first said it. So I wont write any names... You can do your own research. LOL!

Graduation, A loss and a new beginning.

 "Yeah, we did it". Here comes the class of 2007 is all that I could think as I was sitting in the chair getting ready. As I walked across the stage to get my diploma (the fake one they give you) I held back the tears from my fellow companions. My heart was beating at a million miles an hour. I honestly was nervous to be in front of everyone. Go figure I went to a performing arts school for acting. Something about that day in particular was just so special to me. It was exciting.

 

A week later after graduation I noticed some changes in me. I was very fatigued and had very bad cramps, none like I have ever had before. Now, I was only 18 at the time so as you can probably imagine I was scared to take a pregnancy test. My body was letting me know that I was before I even peed on the stick. 6 test later I believed it. I WAS PREGNANT!!! 

 

I was overly excited I just couldn't keep it in, I had to tell everyone. I was about to become a mother. Or so I thought. I had just graduated from high school, and now I was pregnant. I can remember the day very vividly. I went to the park and had to go to the restroom so bad, but the park didn't have a restroom. We left and went to the nearest store. Oh, how I was relieved that I had made it, to only find that I was bleeding. My heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest.  We hurried to the nearest hospital only to be told you have to wait in the waiting room, if you are losing the baby there is nothing that we can do for you.

 

I was so heartbroken. How can they have no heart? It didn't get any better. After spending all evening and late night in the hospital and countless ultrasounds they told me everything would be alright they saw the sack of the baby. If I saw more blood to come back. The night had past and the morning had come. I still was bleeding.  Back to the hospital I went. Only to be told the same thing again. I had to wait.

 

I prayed and prayed that everything was going to be alright with my baby that I had just found out I was going to be a mother too. A few hours later the doctor came in to let me know that the baby sack had diminished and was no longer there. My world had stopped. How was this going to affect me and my love? What would I tell everyone that I told? I was so confused as to why this happened to me.

 

I went on trying to keep it together for the sake of those around me. Dying inside everyday. The holidays had came and went and I was dreading the month of  February because that was the month my baby would have been due. It was the end of December and I had just came back from San Francisco. A well needed vacation with my cousin and his best friend. During vacation my cousin was joking about me being pregnant because I was tired and was late.

 

As soon as I got home I went straight to the store and grabbed a handful of pregnancy tests. I came home scared but also excited to take them. I took 1 and waited 5 minutes and sure enough there was two line. I took another and the same thing. After 5 tests I believed it... LOL. I was going to be a mother. This time I waited till 13 weeks before I told anyone.

 

The months flew by and before I knew it was almost time to meet my baby girl... Even after such a sad previous year, my life was starting to feel somewhat more meaningful. Having another baby never replaced the love that I had for that baby that I lost. I didn't know it before but miscarriage is very common. 1 in 3 women will have one. Think about it your sister, your friend and yourself. One would lose a baby. Not to say it would happen to you, but an example.

 

It was one of the hardest moments in my life but GOD, and my family got me through. Not a day goes past that I don't think about who that baby might have been today or who he/she would be in the near future. That's something that you just don't forget. I will always have a special place in my heart for that baby. RIP my angel. 06/2007

 

September 08, 2008 would change my life forever. The arrival of my first baby, My daughter Sariah Lanay Thomas... A new beginning in my life. It was just the start of motherhood. God would soon bless me with two more there after... December 03, 2009 Kamille Mallory Thomas and just recently March 22, 2014 Logan Richard-Hart Thomas... My family is complete.